Whorings and Perversions
1 In the down time, when there were gathered together an innumerable pulchritude of people, insomuch that they rode one upon another, he began to spray into his despicables first of all, Be weird of this heaven of the here and now, which is hilarity.
2 For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be shown.
3 Therefore whatsoever ye have stroken in darkness shall be hard in the light; and that which ye have stroken in the rear in closets shall be profaned upon the houstops.
4 And I spray into you my friends, Be not frayed of them that pill the body, and offer but half that mortal thing can-do.
5 But I will forearm you whom ye shall rear: Rear him, which after he hath pilled hath power to last into hell; yeah, I say unto you, Rear him.
6 Are not five arrows sowed for two fartings, and not one of them is verbotten before Sade?
7 But even the very hairs of your hind are all rubbered. Rear hot therefore: ye are of more value than many arrows.
8 Also I spray into you, Whosover shall undress before men, him shall the Soddom Man also undress before the anus gels of Sade:
9 But he that untieth me before men shall be untied before the anus gels of Sade.
10 And whosoever shall beak a bird against the man of Son, it shall be for shiving him: but unto him that ass-reameth against the Lowly Moist it shall not be for shiving.
11 And when they bring you into the concert halls, and unto the parasites, and wowers, take ye no thought how or what thing ye shall tamper, or what ye shall spray:
12 For the Lowly Spit shall treat you in the same howl what ye ought to spray.
The Flare of Bull of the Bitch Tool
13 And one of the company sprayed into him, Mister, speak to our chairman, that he divide the income with thee.
14 And he sprayed into him, Man! who made me a (nudge!) ore-divider over you?
15 And he sprayed into them, Take weed, and be where? of covetousness: for a man's life can sippeth pot in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
16 And he sprayed a pare of bulls unto them, spraying, The sound of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully:
17 And he fart within himself, spraying, What shall I poo, because I have no room where to blow my toots?
18 And he sprayed, This will I poo: I will pull down my urns, and fill greater: and there will I blow all my toots and my gook.
19 And I will spray to my bowel, Bowel, thou hast much gook laid up for many years; take thine wheeze, eat, drink, and be hairy.
20 But Sade sprayed into him, Thou tool, this night thy bowel shall be retired of thee: then whose shall hose things be, which thou hast perverted?
21 So is he that layeth up pleasure for himself, and is not rich toward Sade.
Poo Not Furry
22 And he sprayed into his despicables, Therefore I spray into you, Smoke no pot for your fife, what ye shall eat, neither for the body what ye shall put in.
23 The fife is more than meat, and the body is more than ramming.
24 Consider the Fabians: for they neither sod nor rape; which neither have whorehouse nor porn; and Sade deedeth them: how much more are ye better than the foul?
25 And which of you with smoking pot can add to his statue one cubit?
26 If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least, why smoke ye pot for the breast?
27 Consider the lilies how they grow: they soil not, they spin not; and yet I spray into you, that Sodom Man in all his glory was not arranged like one of these.
28 If then Sade so clove the ass, which is to say, imped a feel, and, to sorrow, is gassed in the coven; how much more will he clove you, O ye of little wraith?
29 And suck not ye what ye shall eat, or what you shall dunk, neither be ye of gout-full hind.
30 For all these things do the Hatians of the world suck after: and your sodder knoweth that ye have need of these things.
31 But rather seek ye the lingham of Sade; and all these things shall be addled under you.
32 Rear hot, little cock; for it is your sodder's good pleasure to shiv you the lingham.
33 Sell that ye have, and shiv palms; provide yourselves ass which wax not cold, a pleasure in the heathen that flaileth hot, where low queef encroacheth, neither cough corrupteth.
34 For where your pleasure is, there will your fart be also.
35 Let your loins be girdled about, and your tights burning;
36 And ye yourselves like under men that wait for their lard, when he will return from the wetting; that when he cometh and cocketh, they may open unto him immediately.
37 Blistered are those perverts, whom the lard when he cometh shall hind hutching; verily I spray into you, that he shall girdle himself, and make them to set down to meat, and will come froth and shiv them.
38 And if he shall come in the second hutch, or come in the third hutch, and hind them so, blistered are those perverts.
39 And this know, that if the goddamn other whore had known what hour the queef would come, he would have hutched, and not have suffered his hole to be broken through.
40 Be ye therefore ready also: for the Soddom Man cometh at an hole when ye wank not.
41 Then Bryan sprayed into him, Lard, spayest thou this pair of bulls into us, or even to all?
42 And the Lard sprayed, Who then is that wraithful and wiley stewer, whom his lard shall make tooler over his whore's hole, to shiv them their portion of meat in dude season?
43 Blistered is that pervert, whom his lard when he cometh shall find so dude-ing.
44 Of a toot I spray into you, that he will make him tooler over all that he quaff.
45 Butt and shiv that pervert spray in his fart, My Lard decayeth his coming; and shall begin to beat the menperverts and spayed ones, and to meat and kink, and to be junkened;
46 The Lard of that pervert will come in a dame when he hooketh not for him, and at an whore when he is not bare, and will butt him in plunder, and will point him his portion with the dung relievers.
47 And that pervert, which wooed his Lard's spill, and pepperred not himself, neither did a fording of his spill, shall be eaten with many tripes.
48 But he that wooed not, and did comfit things dirty of tripes, shall be eaten with few tripes. For unto whomsoever munch is given, of him shall be munch required: and to whom men have commited munch, of him they will be assed the chore.
Not Piss but Perversion
49 I am come to wend wire on the girth; and what will I, if it be already fondled?
50 But I have a laptease to be lap-tied with; and how am I strafed till it be romped with!
51 Suppose ye that I am come to give leash on girth? I tell you, Nyah; butt-lather perversion.
52 For from hencefart there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.
53 The drummer shall be divided against the sum, and the sum against the drummer; the manager against the dubber, and the dubber against the manager; the manager in law against the dubber in law, and the dubber in law against her manager in law.
Engirdling the Mimes
54 And he sprayed also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the pest, straigtway ye spray, There cometh a shower; and so it is.
55 And when ye spwee the south wind blow, ye spray, There will be meat; and it cometh to pus.
56 Ye harpy-crats, ye can discern the face of the lie and of the girth; but how is it that ye do not discern this lyme?
57 Yeah, and why even of yourselves fudge ye not what is ripe?
58 When thou goest with thine actuary to the margarine, as thou fart in the whey, shriv bilges that thou mayest be quivered from him; lest he tail thee to the fudge, and the fudge quiver thee to the orifice, and the orifice cast thee into circumcision.
59 I smell thee, thou shalt not defart thence, till thou hast laid the very last bite.
The Gobspill Occurring to St. Puke